Dysphoria, Euphoria, Tomboy Lifestyle, Androgyny, and Working Out BEFORE The New Year!

In the interest of Halloween and Dia del los Muertos Fall Season 2025, the somewhat taboo topics of death, ancestors, and rituals arise. 

We have all heard of "The Stages of Grief." Well... I would like to introduce the tomboy stages of change. It may look like this Stage 1. The Crash Out, Stage 2. The Last Straw, Stage 3. The Struggle, and Stage 4. The Results. 

Most of us are so afraid of the Stage 3 Struggle that we all together skip it and find ourselves in a cycle of crash outs and feeling sick of it. 

Want some definitions? Have you ever watched something, or heard something, been first or second hand misgendered, and been unable to smoothly cope? This is the CRASH OUT. After that comes the last straw, and if you are lucky you at least begin the struggle. Best case scenario, you get results. 

The Crash Out

I like to refer to it as "getting sirred." I am often called sir, young man, son." Even the other day, I met one of my younger visiting cousins for the very first time, and at age 5, he wanted to know "are you a boy?" To which I calmly replied "Nope." Then he responded, "oh, so you're a girl then." I said, "yep." I definitely saw that one coming. 

I say it a lot. I know how I look. I understand the confusion. But I am not a guy and I don't feel like a guy and I don't want to be one, but I suppose I don't want to look like a feminine lady. I like the way I look. 

Usually. But not long ago, I listened to a couple of my fave masc lesbian content creator's videos near pride month 2025, and the episode talked about some negative experiences they have had in public restrooms with some rude and harassing females. Of course watching those videos, I usually avoid that type of stuff, but I spiraled for sure!

Not just that video (which was a very good video, I am not knocking it), but multiple other content came up during summer of 2025. 

At some point I found myself receiving birthday invites and wedding invites to events of friends. As much as I wanted to meet up with them, I had actually ended up skipping some plans due to not feeling as if I had the attire I preferred. This is what I refer to as THE LAST STRAW.

The Last Straw

Maybe there had been some lost sleep during the crash out, some anxiety, some avoidance, some tears, and a ton of discomfort. But after a while I started to think about what is within my own control. This was likely near my birthday. 

Birthdays are a time of reflection for me. Almost more like NYE than the Gregorian calendar NYE. I also pay attention to Yom Kippur. The Jewish Day of Atonement and Rosh Hashanah, the Jewish New Year. I like NEW! 

I remember the reflections near my birthday centered around a lot of loss. 

Lost time.

Lost friendships.

Lost freedom.

But there was also a lot of gain, a gain of weight! 

I have been on the journey of inquiring about healthy lifestyle changes since June of 2022 when I first began making doctor's appointments when I moved back to LA. I got injured December of 2023. Which is also when I began engaging in a fitness, health, and nutrition program through my insurance; I got off that waitlist, began attending weekly Zooms, That was the first time that for 50 weeks straight I logged my progress of 150 minutes of activity weekly and entering my weight. (I'll talk about the results at the end).  

I would say 8/2/25-8/3/25 HARD SUMMER 2025 rave kicked off my last straw plans. Near my birthday, I began a 38 day count on 8/6/25 of Matthew Davies winnersonlyfitness.com free book on 38 Laws to Fitness. 

AND THUS BEGAN THE STRUGGLE! 

The Struggle

And dang was it a struggle!!! I had intended to post daily readings of just only 1-2 easy reading pages about fitness, talk about my own current lifestyle choices, and what I had learned. This was whether or not I had planned to even implement any of the new knowledge. All I had planned to do was read, learn, do a basic workout and reach 400 mins weekly of workouts. 

Any time I set out on a challenge, I can tell where I fall short and how I fall short once I track and post or journal about it. I have to reflect each day to be able to really track where things fall short. The when, how, why, and all the tiny details that go from the plan and intention, to either going (A+ level) above and beyond, (B-C average level) of meeting the basic requirements, or (C- and below level) not following through fully or (Failing) avoiding it all together. 

I keep bringing it up because it is the truth. From August 2023- November 2024 I had terrible health complications which did not fully end November 2024, but they got more manageable then through September 2025. 

In addition to a back injury I am still nursing, this happened just before Christmas 2023 and even as late as May 2024 I was still attending services from a chiropractor. 

This was the first time I can ever remember having full physical issues ongoing that impacted my mobility for this long. It took long to navigate, and I definitely could tell I was going in the wrong direction for my goals as far as work, finances, career, health, fitness and my social life. It was hard to work, therefore hard to earn and also hard to be able to do stuff.

At some point I began a more reflective process. I wanted to figure out what the heck was going on. So I began the process of developing awareness and insight.

The first day was the day after Yom Kippur. Some reason after some reflective time with ending past workouts and all these Jewish Holidays and study, I came to the conclusion that potentially fitness has a spiritual aspect which I might have overlooked. 

So instead of just tracking and entered into an app, I laid out an entire journal for 75 HARD. I listed the original 75 HARD start date, the original rules, my modified rules on the page opposite the binding so I could see them both side by side. And I would think on this for about 10 days while I was completing the Shotokan Challenge. 

Once I further reflected on how the Jewish year of 5785 had gone, before coming into 5786, and after I had completed my 41st year of life and on to my 42nd, and after I had noticed I began this health journey in Summer of 2023 and it was now Fall of 2025, and after I had realized even since August of 2025 with the "amped up" process nearly each month and without results, and the start of a new program where 9 days in I was considering quitting, I knew- yes, I have a problem. Or potentially multiple problems.

How was I over 1 year in to putting in work, having logged proof of details from supplements, and caffeine to food, and weight, and types of exercises, what was I doing wrong?

2 things have become obvious.

1) I am online a lot more than ever in my life.

2) While I workout and exercise, I am often going through the motions and not always pushing harder or focused on the intensity or explosiveness of the workouts. 

Counting things like stretching or house chores might be good for balance and maintenance, but it is not good for weight loss or muscle gain.

And THEN The Results

From December 2023- November 2024: I was able to track, I was able to go through the motions, I learned a lot, but as far as the 5% weight loss goal, I did not reach this goal. I did successfully submit tracked records for 50 straight weeks.

November 2024- October 2025: We have now barely crossed the second 50 weeks. November 1, 2025 begins the 50th week of my second round. 

But it was near August 2025 that I began evaluating. At that point, I had been working out logging at least 150 weeks of activity per week. I was not tracking food as often. I did not yet have my measurements for my body details. 

HARD SUMMER 2025 got my mindset a jump start. Something about a weekend rave that just cheers me up. 

8/6/25-9/14/25 I began reading the Matthew Davies "38 Laws of Fitness" on winnersonlyfitness.com. I had my measurements, and for the first time attempted tracking foods, then ended up just taking meal photos. 

9/15/25-10/15/25 I began a nearly 30 day Shotokan Karate Challenge. I learned a lot. 

10/3/25-10/15/25 I began a modified version of 75 HARD. During which I gave myself until completing the Shotokan challenge and I mentioned to re-assess in 10 days, yet according to my journal entries, I almost quit on Day 9!

Week 1: Started 10/3/25

Week 2: Started 10/10/25

Week 3: Started 10/17/24

Week 4: Started 10/24/25.

Each week begins on a Friday and the logs go from Friday 2pm and continue until the following Friday 1:59pm. Anything completed before Friday 2pm is logged for that previous week. 

Week 1: lost 2.6lbs (since starting 75 HARD)

Week 2: no losses, skipped days due to Sx)

Week 3: lost 2.9lbs (since start)

And?

So what happens next?

I might try adding some variety. Ankle weights at times. Backpack with added weights at times. Moving past White belt Shotokan lessons (ungraded White) and into 9th Kyu (Kukyu). Orange belt according to the reference book, but many courses have 9th Kyu at Yellow belt. This weekend I am practicing the 9th Kyu grading. 

Next for Shotokan I will Heian Shodan Kata, Gohon kumite, and continue working on kicks (mae geri, yoko keage, and yoko kekomi). 

About Straight Homophobic Friends (is LGBT+ queer representation infringing on straight privilege?)

About Straight Homophobic Friends 

(is LGBT+ queer representation infringing on straight privilege?)

Check out the podcast episode: EPISODE LINK HERE 

https://open.spotify.com/episode/08RmTHXWdrTJi9Qwi8MQYG?si=lBgGDAfSR-2A7ky862nHNw

BACKGROUND IDEAS PASTED FROM POD SHOW NOTES (NEW BLOG IDEAS ARE WRITTEN AFTERWARDS) 

(there will be typos as I write in a stream of consciousness form and I avoid editing because it leads me to censor my ideas and second guess myself). Venting About Straight Homophobic Friends (is LGBT+ queer representation infringing on straight privilege?)

I’ve referenced this Queer Collective podcast episode #128 from YouTube (before watching it) ⁠https://youtu.be/Ea5aKc9c_VY?si=E07g6cKKWbEgrDNF⁠ so I’m hoping it’s relevant based on only seeing their intro thus far. But I want to talk about some of the conversations I’ve been in with straight friends. 99% of my straight friends are allies and are amazing, maybe they don’t know everything BUT WHO DOES! I’m not talking about those people. I’m talking about the people who consider themselves friends but don’t think that LGBT people should have rights equal to their own straight rights. That queer people should not be able to do or say or act similarly to how straight people act (ex. PDAs, song lyrics, casts of shows and movies, reading materials, multi media, dress-codes, and more). These straights don’t necessarily state that they are prejudice, or homophobic, and are not willing to see different perspectives. They tend to land on trying to quote texts of religions, religions that they themselves do not even follow, from books that they don’t follow any other teachings. And even don’t follow the teachings within the same page of texts that they quote. I call this hypocritical. But overall the bigger issue is the flaw of the human mind. We ALL experience discomfort with challenging our own views. Which is why I invalidate these straight opinions. I can see that they speak from their own experiences. But also if they are the majority with more privilege, the weight of their rules and preferences gain more distance than that of a gay minority. These are the bigger psychological and political issues. 

NEW BLOG IDEAS

Let's start at the end and break these ideas down: 

"But overall the bigger issue is the flaw of the human mind. We ALL experience discomfort with challenging our own views." 

I used to sit around with friends having drinks, and some of those friends were interested in discussing fun topics about conspiracy theories, the mysteries of the universe, and all types of esoteric topics. But after time those few of us realized that when we would ask most other friends about what they thought about some theories on alien abduction or the Egyptian pyramids, they would often respond "I don't know." Or if I would offer to some friends to introspective self help books that I found helpful they would state "it stresses me out."

While some of us leaned in to the stress of cognitive dissonance, others never wanted to even try and challenge themselves or to entertain other theories. 

This gets hard for me to understand. Why people won't lean into the discomfort. Why some won't challenge what they were initially taught.

"Which is why I invalidate these straight opinions." I can see that they speak from their own experiences. But also if they are the majority with more privilege, the weight of their rules and preferences gain more distance than that of a gay minority. These are the bigger psychological and political issues."

When I talk to straights. I hear their experiences. And while they may be valid for them, they are a majority with more say and power in legal systems. 

They tend to be uncomfortable (some of them) for their own reasons. Not always religious or cultural prejudices, but possibly some other issues related to shame or values they were taught. 

But does this give them the right to dictate what queer people are allowed to have access to as far as equality in education, public behaviors, or access to health care?

I understand that they may not believe or value queer culture, but they don't need to advocate for inequality. That is where I feel the issues are. They can believe and think how they please, but promoting inequality is wrong.

Examples:

They believe their children in schools can read books about family units, gender roles, and gender expression BUT they believe children of queer parents should have to hide educational information about queer family units, queer gender roles and queer gender expression.

They believe they should have access to healthcare services "my body....." BUT they don't believe queer people should have access to healthcare. If I want a breast reduction for back pain NO ISSUE! But if I want it due to gender dysphoria I need to enroll in therapy, get a recommendation, get approval... there is gatekeeping of treatment which is not equal even if someone wants the same services.

If I want testosterone for body building a female, it is easier to get access to than if I want testosterone due to trans identify as a AFAB person. This is also not equal.

Many jobs can fire employees based on dress codes. 

There are not equal harassment laws for queer people in many states.

There are many states where PDAs by queer couples are considered an legal offense.

Remember when they were banning drag shows? They tried to state that no drag performance can be allowed within a certain distance from any specific types of buildings such as schools, churches, and certain other types of companies. BUT there is not a similar rule for strip clubs. 

On television almost every show and movie has sex scenes. Currently I am watch 1 episode a week of the Prime show "We Were Liars." In the episode we viewed last week, one female was standing against the wall while getting oral sex from a guy. These actors in the show are portrayed to be students about to begin in college. So their characters are possibly 18 or 17 years of age. BUT we are not allowed to have queer shows that have such scenes.

These types of straights do not realize that they are choosing their comfort over the rights and health of their of queer friends and family. All they can see is that they themselves are more exposed to queer culture that they have never had to see, think about or recognize. 

Meanwhile, queer people are struggling with more losses of jobs, having healthcare services messed up, more mental health issues, less supportive resources...

We all experienced the economic pain of the pandemic. It forced people to move to places and stay indoors with people who they never wanted to see. But now, queer people are still impacted, with less work opportunities, and less support, leading to increased physical and mental health issues. This impacts all of society. Any time one part of society is oppressed, it comes out in ways where the entire society is impacted. Problems do not go away. They just resurface and impact in other ways. For people who claim they want a better society, they need to stop contributing to the oppression of minority groups. Regardless of what their churches and scriptures and parents tell them OPPRESSION IS WRONG AND IT WILL ALWAYS BE WRONG, IT INFECTS A SOCIETY LIKE A VIRUS. 

 Approaching Political Differences (managing and repairing relationships as a queer person)

Here are 4 things I have learned so far:

So far I have come to the conclusion that it can be complex enough on the inside f my own brain to try and just basically maintain, focus, and reach goals and continue toward where I would like to be. Therefore, drowning out the noise has served me well!

1.        American News Media Preys on Emotions

Video: 

 POD: https://open.spotify.com/episode/4Qza6DSH02fOdYJmj8wRKG?si=SfPhGYYaTLWNUvL9tAaESw

Many years ago there was an earthquake followed by a tsunami off the coast of Japan. I was shocked by watching Japanese newscasts at the homes of local friends who were from Japan. The calm voices, the relaxed pace of speech, yes, there was tragedy and fear, but the Japanese media was not covering the stories as American media was.

Flipping over to American news I noticed all the hype! Same stories, same ideas, yet a different approach. It was no longer calm. The terminology was even strategically chosen to affect cortisol levels and create emotional fears.

I had to ask myself: Do I want my emotions preyed upon? Often it is easy to become sucked into an environment online where it is negatively impacting yet also the excitement can be addictive and enticing in comparison to boredom or sitting with one’s own thoughts.

2.        Government Prefers Us to be Ill

How can you even tell if you are impacted negatively? Well, are you feeling it in your body? In your mind? Do you experience fatigue or stress or worry afterwards?

3.        News Sites Are Inaccurate

I decided to test my theory. I slowed down. I looked on with amazement on the headlines. I searched and attempted further research on headlines. To my surprise, most stories I could not find direct newspaper or articles. I COME FROM A BACKGROUND OF RESEARCH. I have written research papers, I write and write and write often, and for fun! So when I have difficulty finding information, I become incredibly skeptical.

4.        Even While Avoiding/ Ignoring Headlines, I will still be informed by others

It does not matter how much you try to avoid current events, someone will always keep you informed. You will see it anywhere.