Dysphoria, Euphoria, Tomboy Lifestyle, Androgyny, and Working Out BEFORE The New Year!
In the interest of Halloween and Dia del los Muertos Fall Season 2025, the somewhat taboo topics of death, ancestors, and rituals arise.
We have all heard of "The Stages of Grief." Well... I would like to introduce the tomboy stages of change. It may look like this Stage 1. The Crash Out, Stage 2. The Last Straw, Stage 3. The Struggle, and Stage 4. The Results.
Most of us are so afraid of the Stage 3 Struggle that we all together skip it and find ourselves in a cycle of crash outs and feeling sick of it.
Want some definitions? Have you ever watched something, or heard something, been first or second hand misgendered, and been unable to smoothly cope? This is the CRASH OUT. After that comes the last straw, and if you are lucky you at least begin the struggle. Best case scenario, you get results.
The Crash Out
I like to refer to it as "getting sirred." I am often called sir, young man, son." Even the other day, I met one of my younger visiting cousins for the very first time, and at age 5, he wanted to know "are you a boy?" To which I calmly replied "Nope." Then he responded, "oh, so you're a girl then." I said, "yep." I definitely saw that one coming.
I say it a lot. I know how I look. I understand the confusion. But I am not a guy and I don't feel like a guy and I don't want to be one, but I suppose I don't want to look like a feminine lady. I like the way I look.
Usually. But not long ago, I listened to a couple of my fave masc lesbian content creator's videos near pride month 2025, and the episode talked about some negative experiences they have had in public restrooms with some rude and harassing females. Of course watching those videos, I usually avoid that type of stuff, but I spiraled for sure!
Not just that video (which was a very good video, I am not knocking it), but multiple other content came up during summer of 2025.
At some point I found myself receiving birthday invites and wedding invites to events of friends. As much as I wanted to meet up with them, I had actually ended up skipping some plans due to not feeling as if I had the attire I preferred. This is what I refer to as THE LAST STRAW.
The Last Straw
Maybe there had been some lost sleep during the crash out, some anxiety, some avoidance, some tears, and a ton of discomfort. But after a while I started to think about what is within my own control. This was likely near my birthday.
Birthdays are a time of reflection for me. Almost more like NYE than the Gregorian calendar NYE. I also pay attention to Yom Kippur. The Jewish Day of Atonement and Rosh Hashanah, the Jewish New Year. I like NEW!
I remember the reflections near my birthday centered around a lot of loss.
Lost time.
Lost friendships.
Lost freedom.
But there was also a lot of gain, a gain of weight!
I have been on the journey of inquiring about healthy lifestyle changes since June of 2022 when I first began making doctor's appointments when I moved back to LA. I got injured December of 2023. Which is also when I began engaging in a fitness, health, and nutrition program through my insurance; I got off that waitlist, began attending weekly Zooms, That was the first time that for 50 weeks straight I logged my progress of 150 minutes of activity weekly and entering my weight. (I'll talk about the results at the end).
I would say 8/2/25-8/3/25 HARD SUMMER 2025 rave kicked off my last straw plans. Near my birthday, I began a 38 day count on 8/6/25 of Matthew Davies winnersonlyfitness.com free book on 38 Laws to Fitness.
AND THUS BEGAN THE STRUGGLE!
The Struggle
And dang was it a struggle!!! I had intended to post daily readings of just only 1-2 easy reading pages about fitness, talk about my own current lifestyle choices, and what I had learned. This was whether or not I had planned to even implement any of the new knowledge. All I had planned to do was read, learn, do a basic workout and reach 400 mins weekly of workouts.
Any time I set out on a challenge, I can tell where I fall short and how I fall short once I track and post or journal about it. I have to reflect each day to be able to really track where things fall short. The when, how, why, and all the tiny details that go from the plan and intention, to either going (A+ level) above and beyond, (B-C average level) of meeting the basic requirements, or (C- and below level) not following through fully or (Failing) avoiding it all together.
I keep bringing it up because it is the truth. From August 2023- November 2024 I had terrible health complications which did not fully end November 2024, but they got more manageable then through September 2025.
In addition to a back injury I am still nursing, this happened just before Christmas 2023 and even as late as May 2024 I was still attending services from a chiropractor.
This was the first time I can ever remember having full physical issues ongoing that impacted my mobility for this long. It took long to navigate, and I definitely could tell I was going in the wrong direction for my goals as far as work, finances, career, health, fitness and my social life. It was hard to work, therefore hard to earn and also hard to be able to do stuff.
At some point I began a more reflective process. I wanted to figure out what the heck was going on. So I began the process of developing awareness and insight.
The first day was the day after Yom Kippur. Some reason after some reflective time with ending past workouts and all these Jewish Holidays and study, I came to the conclusion that potentially fitness has a spiritual aspect which I might have overlooked.
So instead of just tracking and entered into an app, I laid out an entire journal for 75 HARD. I listed the original 75 HARD start date, the original rules, my modified rules on the page opposite the binding so I could see them both side by side. And I would think on this for about 10 days while I was completing the Shotokan Challenge.
Once I further reflected on how the Jewish year of 5785 had gone, before coming into 5786, and after I had completed my 41st year of life and on to my 42nd, and after I had noticed I began this health journey in Summer of 2023 and it was now Fall of 2025, and after I had realized even since August of 2025 with the "amped up" process nearly each month and without results, and the start of a new program where 9 days in I was considering quitting, I knew- yes, I have a problem. Or potentially multiple problems.
How was I over 1 year in to putting in work, having logged proof of details from supplements, and caffeine to food, and weight, and types of exercises, what was I doing wrong?
2 things have become obvious.
1) I am online a lot more than ever in my life.
2) While I workout and exercise, I am often going through the motions and not always pushing harder or focused on the intensity or explosiveness of the workouts.
Counting things like stretching or house chores might be good for balance and maintenance, but it is not good for weight loss or muscle gain.
And THEN The Results
From December 2023- November 2024: I was able to track, I was able to go through the motions, I learned a lot, but as far as the 5% weight loss goal, I did not reach this goal. I did successfully submit tracked records for 50 straight weeks.
November 2024- October 2025: We have now barely crossed the second 50 weeks. November 1, 2025 begins the 50th week of my second round.
But it was near August 2025 that I began evaluating. At that point, I had been working out logging at least 150 weeks of activity per week. I was not tracking food as often. I did not yet have my measurements for my body details.
HARD SUMMER 2025 got my mindset a jump start. Something about a weekend rave that just cheers me up.
8/6/25-9/14/25 I began reading the Matthew Davies "38 Laws of Fitness" on winnersonlyfitness.com. I had my measurements, and for the first time attempted tracking foods, then ended up just taking meal photos.
9/15/25-10/15/25 I began a nearly 30 day Shotokan Karate Challenge. I learned a lot.
10/3/25-10/15/25 I began a modified version of 75 HARD. During which I gave myself until completing the Shotokan challenge and I mentioned to re-assess in 10 days, yet according to my journal entries, I almost quit on Day 9!
Week 1: Started 10/3/25
Week 2: Started 10/10/25
Week 3: Started 10/17/24
Week 4: Started 10/24/25.
Each week begins on a Friday and the logs go from Friday 2pm and continue until the following Friday 1:59pm. Anything completed before Friday 2pm is logged for that previous week.
Week 1: lost 2.6lbs (since starting 75 HARD)
Week 2: no losses, skipped days due to Sx)
Week 3: lost 2.9lbs (since start)
And?
So what happens next?
I might try adding some variety. Ankle weights at times. Backpack with added weights at times. Moving past White belt Shotokan lessons (ungraded White) and into 9th Kyu (Kukyu). Orange belt according to the reference book, but many courses have 9th Kyu at Yellow belt. This weekend I am practicing the 9th Kyu grading.
Next for Shotokan I will Heian Shodan Kata, Gohon kumite, and continue working on kicks (mae geri, yoko keage, and yoko kekomi).
