A Gay Night In

 How gay can I make this blog post??

I saw some inspiration in Jess (@jkiillem) today. As well as Alexa (@alexa.the.legend). Jess experiencing flashbacks today while prepping for the final bag before the holiday break. Alexa recalling her experiences working as a photographer this year. Jess has been a masc presenting gogo dancer for some time now. And Alexa has jumped into the field, also working as a model and a pro football player and content creator. Affording to live in LA is not cheap.

Thinking about the Flipped party at Richs I will be missing tonight! I get complete foamo with the queer party scene I am missing out on. At least I will get a nice NYE party. 

[One section of some slight negativity compiled to one area with some solutions added in ] How does music help and heat? Well, I found myself writing about physical pain, emotional pain, mental pain. I could not stop complaining today. I skipped a workout 2 days ago. I had done a lot of cleaning yesterday when the physical pain was beginning. I have been avoiding the saunas and jacuzzis in the gym to try and avoid getting illnesses since virus symptoms are spreading. I take hot showers for back and shoulder pain. But overall I needed good vibes and music. I knew I felt like crap so I was remaining quite isolated from spending holiday time with my siblings as they watched Harry Potter. I enjoy the experience of music under the influence of some thc, some I concocted a thc and hemp seed oil mix, snacked after some blogging, and had to keep copy/pasting and removing the negative things I had to say. So I decided to compile that entire experience here and then move on!

Listening to some Dani Max tunes and getting in that energy. “On Tequila” is such a great song, fire beats!

After reviewing some Just bought tix to CRSSD Spring. I figure if I cannot party now I might as well pre-plan some party time. Music live is certainly a spiritual experience to look forward to. At least CRSSD events don’t price gouge. No $80 service fees!

I put in my headphones and danced around with some candles and my funky colored low lights. I had a party instead of sitting around thinking about whatever it even was that had been getting to me. I have learned from following so many powwow dancer social media sites that dancing and singing is definitely healing. So I try to remember to do it when I feel bad. It takes my mind off of things by providing a better perspective.

Singlehood and Gender

Singlehood and Culture

Singlehood is a stage that many cultures address in their own specific manners. In Western American culture people generally begin a process of dating near age 14-18. Usually there is a process where a teen is developing independence and being allowed added freedoms by guardians upon proving that they can adhere to expectations and handle the allowed freedoms. Sexuality, gender identity and exposure of cultural environment and media representation often shape the levels of comfort and opportunity of dating.

Singlehood and Gender and LGBTQ+

Those across cultures who identify as queer, lesbian, gay, pan, bi, intersex, trans, etc., our experiences can differ from the mainstream. There is often very limited representation, and for people who are isolated the may not see, hear, interact or learn of anyone like them outside of social media. YouTubers like Breanne Williamson have a queer dating series. In the episodes I have viewed from her series, she was attempting to setup a cute TikTok creator on dates. They discussed what they were looking for, preferences, and deal breakers SEE HERE https://youtu.be/ug1-HQF1m_E.

Singlehood and Gender Identity

Gender identity while single, depending on the options surrounding a person it can be fun, safe, affirming, and comfortable. We are often shown series where there are very rarely any gender identity or expression variations. On occasion we see a masc presenting female, or a "flamboyant" male and they are usually either closeted gays or questioning. Almost always in media they get ridiculed in society by those within their subcultures. And those in teen age ranges are seen in media as getting kicked out or misunderstood by family. I have yet to see an any representation in series for people in older age ranges in their 30s or later life in their 60s nearing retirement. Usually the people in their 20s and 30s are on Instagram, TikTok, YouTube and other social media platforms. They create their own series such as the series QUEERIOUS including QPOC actors with one trans character https://youtu.be/8yD4_abneac. The series is by Alexander King, a QPOC writer.

Singlehood and LGBTQ+ Identity

LGBT singles might experience pressure from the non-queer people in their lives by being asked multiple questions about dating and partners. And in the queer world there may be a pressure to date. Depending on the social environments a queer person may have a relaxed and enjoyable dating experience with support around and people with good boundaries.

My Personal Experiences

My personal experiences dating as a person with a range of androgynous-to-masc gender presentation, I have primarily experienced good, healthy, strong, safe, trustworthy relationships in San Diego. I also am able to venture up to LA where I was raised. But being raised around and within a conservative religion, and in a city with a lot of diversity, I was exposed to all different types of people and was able to challenge a lot of what I was taught compared to where my natural desires laid. I was able to create a lifestyle that I preferred. Most of my dating when I am single occurs from dating apps and meeting others such as friends of friends. There is some pressure where some friends often ask me about my dating life and try and set me up with their friends. Poor boundaries have been another experience, sometimes when your sexual and gender identity are not part of the majority culture this opens the door for people to be curious and ask a lot of questions.

(See the podcast link HERE for more on this topic, and share the blog and podcast links below with anyone you think may enjoy these topics).

BLOG: https://tomboyofficial.blogspot.com/

PODCAST: https://anchor.fm/tomboyofficial

San Diego Homesick

Creating and Ideal Lifestyle

Prompted by a deep interpretation of a dream (LISTEN HERE) I have come to the awareness that I am missing San Diego and homesick. My San Diego lifestyle includes a diverse easy-going nice crew of friends who believe in creating and maintaining safe space, avoiding judgements, gossip, and toxicity. Nobody is perfect, myself included. We all do and will make mistakes, but being in circumstances where there is not a deep rooted history of toxic habits, abuse and judgement has created an experience of being able to heal and chill.

Lifestyle of LGBTQ+ Friends and Allies

I am able to primarily live a relatively safe and open queer lifestyle in San Diego. I mention this as I sit in Los Angeles writing this post, strategically choosing a temporarily dim light gray font color for the above heading so the big bold black type blends more subtly into the white page’s background as my family walks around in the living room where I am chilling on the couch typing. No one will kick me out. No one will physically injure me. But I know that I am amongst people who just do not understand. They do not know what to say even if they see at title heading with “LGBTQ+” in it. They may ask questions, but they are not too interested in challenging their traditional beliefs. They know what they already believe about how a Christian should live their life. And absorbing and creating content, let alone living a lifestyle involving LGBTQ+ events, friends, people and social environments is not a part of a world they are trying to actively integrate.

I am scrolling around on my YouTube channel speedily to pass by any queer content in my history or recommendations as I search for a musical playlist in my attempt to remove my headphones and appear as if I am no ignoring everybody.

Healthy and safe living environments

Healthy environments do not expose a person to illness, symptoms, problems, and chaos. Thinking about health, this means a person has a balanced feel of their physical body, emotions and mental clarity. Health can be felt, and experiences in unhealthy environments can also be felt.

Safe living environments do not expose a person to physical, mental and emotional risks. A setting is safe if there is limited dangerous possibilities. Danger does not always require police action or guns, danger and toxic environments can include the disruption to aspects of health that a can feel. We can feel if our brain is foggy, fatigued, headaches, lack of motivation, sadness and anxiety, we notice these. And in a healthy and safe environment the setting itself will not commonly lead to negative experiences.

Missing my friends

I definitely miss my San Diego crew of friends. I notice this by how often I don't make plans with my local LA friends and how often I still make plans and interact in San Diego or even in LA with friends from San Diego. Between the kick backs, beach days, park hangs, gay bars and clubs, parties, festivals and concerts. And sometimes a quiet dinner or poolside afternoon, we thrive. My most local LA friends are majority the people I am not often making plans with. They tend to want to meet to have someone available at their family events. I do not have an interest in being exposed to the unhealthy, unsafe and toxic social environments hosted by a conservative religion.

Personal experiences interacting with childhood friends

Lately I am interacting with childhood friends and my local family in LA. I do not get the sense that I can fully be myself. I try not to take up too much space and feel like I tip toe around on egg shells. I have avoided multiple invites. To me this maintains my health and safety. I do not find myself sitting up at night thinking on who said what in which manner and why. 

My Queer Dreams (Amusement Park Crush) episode: https://spotifyanchor-web.app.link/e/eoN5J8tqMtb

BLOG: https://tomboyofficial.blogspot.com/

PODCAST: https://anchor.fm/tomboyofficial

Lifestyle Balance

The Balance Wheel

Check out the BALANCE WHEEL. 

https://cdn.ymaws.com/www.blackactuaries.org/resource/resmgr/docs/Programs&Events/life_and_balance.pdf

Feel free to share the blog and podcast links with people who may have similar interests.

BLOG: https://tomboyofficial.blogspot.com/

PODCAST: https://anchor.fm/tomboyofficial

Baby Gays, Coming Out and LGBTQ+ Culture (tips, views, and personal experiences)

New, Brand New

Baby gays, welcome!

Everybody starts somewhere, but first things first, make sure you are safe. Part of the process of coming out is going through a baby gay phase. Baby gays are usually self-identified LGBT people who are part of the community but are relatively new to the culture of things. It can be a time of joy, excitement, fear, and confusion all wrapped into one bundle. But hang in there, you eventually will start to feel more connected to who you are in body, mind and soul. 

Coming Out

There is some controversy surrounding the term "coming out." Movies often portray this for the LGBT community, but straight cis people are not told that they are "coming out" when somebody finds out that Suzy like Bobby. 

Majority and Minority

Coming out is a majority culture process placed on our minority culture to show that our processes with our sexuality or gender identification is not the same as those in the straight world. Think back to youth. When you first realized you had a crush. And think of all the crushes of the kids you knew in youth.

 You will notice that the ones who were cis and straight were never really questions (not unless somebody was curious about if the person was in fact cis or straight). Cis straight people do not have to come out. 

Their identities are assumed. And when they meet the stereotypical norms and are not questioned they just go with the flow of what society expects at different time frames in life. They can date, crush, engage, wed, and divorce without too many glances. 

But we all know what that world looks like. Our world is often far more complex. As we change through the phases in life we change classes, teachers, schools, bosses, jobs, professions and along the way meet new friends and neighbors. The whole while there are often new people in our lives who are unaware of our non cis and non straight identities. 

But why is it that we have to be the ones to be put on the spot? Nothing is predictable. Stereotypes are not the full picture, they do not sum up a person and they are not able to predict results. Just because a person looks, acts, dresses, or seems a certain way does not mean that is how they identify. And identities can also be fluid over a lifetime. That is very normal. 

Ultimately at times it seems it should not matter who we crush on, who we fantasize about, how masc or femme we feel or present, at the end of the day we are all human beings in this world and we all want the same happiness without the hassle of social stressors. 

Questions

What tips would you give to a person who is questioning their sexuality or their gender? How do you identify now and when did you fully notice? When were you completely oblivious? When did you begin to notice your authentic self?

PODCAST

For more about baby gays, coming out and LGBT culture, check out the podcast. There are 2 episodes, one on tips and viewpoints HERE and another about some of my own personal experiences HERE.

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Gender and how to learn about and address identities (differentiating sex and sexuality)

Gender

Gender is a complex topic for those who prefer identity labels for their own personal pronouns and for those who require knowledge of pronouns of others. 

Gender is not complex for those who do not prefer or care for labels. Why use pronouns? Why label ourselves at all? 

Demographic details can tell us a lot about a person's history, potential struggles, and can overall keep life interesting. On the other hand, labels can be limiting and can lead to prejudices, discrimination, microaggressions, and exclusion. 

Sex

Gender and sex are different. And gender and sexuality are different. A person can be born a male or female based on their genitals, and they can also be born intersex. The sex of a person may or may not predict their gender identity. A person who identifies as cis, male, female, non-confirming, trans, non-binary, or another gender may be born of any sex.

Sexuality

Gender and sexuality are different. Sexuality is an identity that is based on attraction. LGBTQIA+, heterosexual, non-sexual, etc. are all based on attraction or lack of attraction to a specific type or multiple types of gender identity.

What are some common experiences that you have with gender in your own life?

Podcast

Check out this Gender episode of the Tomboy Official Podcast link HERE! https://anchor.fm/tomboyofficial/episodes/Gender-eg165c

Check out the Tomboy Official Podcast on the following platforms. Engage by subscribing, sharing, and dropping a line!

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Attachment Styles and Desires in a Relationship (anxious, avoidant, and secure attachment)

Attachment Styles and Desires 

Addressing desires in a relationship can be scary and challenging. But why? What makes it scary? Where are the challenges coming from? And how can we become more and more comfortable to address these challenges?

Needs and Values

I say this a lot, but most of us want certain things in a relationship related to our needs and our values and we can identify exactly what those things are, but there can be hang ups decreasing the comfort of getting there. 

If we have all of these things we will feel very secure and fulfilled. While we might have an understanding of what we want or need to feel the best, we may have other aspects of ourselves that are very protective in the means by which we try addressing what we want.

If I lack something that was previously denied me in my childhood, I will likely become insecure if I believe there is a likelihood of those denials coming up during a relationship. We usually try and avoid being denied.

Are you able to identify any insecurity patterns arising in your family, friend, professional, casual or romantic relationships? What comes easiest for you? And do you know how to manage the challenges? For more expansion on this topic visit the podcast!

Podcast

Check out the podcast HERE! https://anchor.fm/tomboyofficial/episodes/Attachment-Styles-and-Desires-in-a-Relationship-e1fntjk

Check out the podcast on one of these platforms for more supplemental material on this topic:

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Education and Millennial Money

Personal is a topic that many people are not taught. When I was in school we learned how to write checks and before my teens I learned from my family how to balance a checkbook and how to deposit and withdraw money from a bank. I remember when ATMs were not available in every store. And debit cards were not taken at every store.

As Millennials (myself as an Elder Millennial) we have faced multiple recessions, impacts on our education, the job market, and opportunities. I am not saying that we have had it better or worse, but we face a different world. This forces us to have mindsets where we are able to create our own jobs by solving problems that don't serve.

Check out this Education and Millennial Money episode of the Tomboy Official Podcast link HERE! https://anchor.fm/tomboyofficial/episodes/Education-and-Millennial-Money-e1esq22

Check out the Tomboy Official Podcast on the following platforms. Engage by subscribing, sharing, and dropping a line!

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